terça-feira, 14 de julho de 2009

Gêmeos, Mórbida Paternança

- Meu sonho é ter um casal de gêmeos.

- Ui! E casar virgem, de véu e grinalda? Não quer?

- Não seja besta. Mesmo porque eu não tenho a menor idéia do que é uma grinalda.

- Sabe que eu também não?

- Então, mas eu estou falando sério. Queria ter gêmeos. 

- Para vesti-los iguais, penteá-los iguais, colocar nomes parecidos em ambos, como Marcos e Marlos ou Nei Marcus e Marcus Nei, e, com isso, confundir sua família, as professoras deles, seu bairro inteiro e, por fim, eles mesmos?

- Não, claro que não. Já disse que estou falando sério. Mesmo porque eu queria ter gêmeos de sexo diferente. Um menino e uma menina.

- Para que? Para fazer experiências genéticas, tentar inverter o sexo de ambos antes de chegarem à puberdade, vesti-los de modo contrário ao natural em meninos e meninas e confundir professores, vizinhos e, por fim, as próprias crianças?

- Não, porra.

- Então, por quê? É um sonho sem qualquer motivo? É tipo um TOC natalício?

- Não é TOC. Mas é uma espécie de luxo, sim. Eu queria ter gêmeos para chamar o menino de Pablo Escobar e a menina de Madre Teresa de Calcutá.

- E eles seriam traficante e freira, respectivamente?

- Não sei se teria o direito de decidir a profissão deles.

- Teria, teria sim. O que você gostaria de eles fossem?

- Sem querer ser leviano, eu realmente gostaria que um deles fosse religioso mesmo. O outro poderia ser contraventor, para dar graça na família.

- Ah, então, Pablo e Madre seriam, respectivamente, traficante e freira?

- Acho que respectivamente, não. Contrariamente. Ela poderia ser traficante. Ele, freiro. Não gosto de obviedades.

- Acho que o correto é frei, não freiro. No máximo, frade.

- Ele não poderia ser freiro?

- Temo que não.

- Ah, então em vez de Pablo, ele chamaria Freiro Tereso de Calcutá. Ela, Pabla Escobara.

- Mas se você não gosta de obviedades, ele teria de ser traficante. Ela, freira.

- É verdade. Mas, como eu disse no começo, não gostaria de determinar a profissão deles. Tendo saúde, estarei feliz.

- Com dois nomes como esses, a sanidade mental de ambos, de tanto que serão achincalhados na escola primária, secundária e terciária, é que deve ir para o beleléu.

- Ah, mas não pretendo mandá-los a escola. Quero ensiná-los em casa mesmo. 

- Você será o professor?

- Não. Minha mulher. Por isso preciso encontrar uma mulher que seja professora de profissão.

- E que esteja apta a ter gêmeos de sexo distintos.

- Disso não faço questão. Posso tê-los com uma e casar com outra. 

- A cabeça dessas crianças já não estará suficiente bagunçada por conta dos nomes e da ausência de outras crianças em suas vidas, já que não irão à escola? Você ainda quer que tenham duas mães?

- Tem razão. Não é justo, né?

- Acho que não.

- Beleza. Vou esquecer o lance dos nomes, profissões, escolas. Só não abro mão de ter gêmeos de sexo oposto.

- Para?

- Confundir a vizinhança, os amiguinhos, os familiares e, por fim, eles mesmos.


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